A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a doublemartini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside hisshirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket andordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all nightlong. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before youorder a refill.”

The customer replied, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts tolook good, then I know it’s time to go home.”

Urban Warriors

A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Bostonian are sitting together in a bar in the Yukon. The Texan tosses back his shot of tequila, throws the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it to pieces. The other two, shocked, just stare at the Texan. He explains, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."

The New Yorker, not to be outdone, finishes his glass of wine, tosses the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it apart. "Where I come from," he explains, "we have plenty of fine wine."

The Boston guy slowly drinks the last drop of his beer, tosses the empty bottle in the air, pulls out a gun, and shoots the New Yorker between the eyes. He then catches the bottle on the way down. "Where I come from," he says slowly, "we never waste booze—and we have plenty of New Yorkers."

Twelve and a Chaser

A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."

"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.

"Well, what is it you have?"

The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”

“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”

Ricky Fujiki
Los Angeles

A man walks into a bar, puts his head down on the table, and immediately starts crying.

The bartender sees the man and asks him, “What’s the matter, buddy?”

The man replies, “My wife said she wouldn’t talk to me for a week.”

The bartender responds, “That sounds bad and all but it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

The man lifts his head and says, “Yes it is—today is the last day.”

Jason Taylor
Kawartha Lakes CA

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer.

Amazed, the bartender says, “Hey, you can talk!”

“Sure, pal,” says the duck. “Now can I get that drink?”

Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint and asks him what he’s doing in the area.

“I work on the building site across the street,” says the duck.

“You should join the circus,” says the barkeep. “You could make a mint.”

“The circus?” the duck replies. “What the hell would the circus want with a bricklayer?”

Stuart Leifer
Bozeman, MT

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stands up to leave a bar and falls flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” he thinks as he crawls outside. Once outside, he tries to stand up again, but falls face first in the mud.

“Screw it,” he thinks. “I’ll just crawl home, then.”

The next morning, his wife finds him in the hallway, asleep. “You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she asks.

“How’d you know?” he replies, angered by the implications.

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

Michael Vessels
Jacksonville, FL

A termite walks into a bar and says, “So, is the bar tender here?”

Chris Dixon
Bremerton, WA

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement she readily consented. He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” replied the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”

Ananias T.
Seattle WA

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

Jesse Determann
San Diego, CA