A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.

“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put all your dough in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep. “I’ll do whatever you say!”

The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All right, now give me a blow job!”

“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just don’t shoot!”

The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.

The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun, dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might walk in!”

Ricky Fujiki
Los Angeles

A man walks into a bar, puts his head down on the table, and immediately starts crying.

The bartender sees the man and asks him, “What’s the matter, buddy?”

The man replies, “My wife said she wouldn’t talk to me for a week.”

The bartender responds, “That sounds bad and all but it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

The man lifts his head and says, “Yes it is—today is the last day.”

Jason Taylor
Kawartha Lakes CA

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer.

Amazed, the bartender says, “Hey, you can talk!”

“Sure, pal,” says the duck. “Now can I get that drink?”

Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint and asks him what he’s doing in the area.

“I work on the building site across the street,” says the duck.

“You should join the circus,” says the barkeep. “You could make a mint.”

“The circus?” the duck replies. “What the hell would the circus want with a bricklayer?”

Stuart Leifer
Bozeman, MT

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stands up to leave a bar and falls flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” he thinks as he crawls outside. Once outside, he tries to stand up again, but falls face first in the mud.

“Screw it,” he thinks. “I’ll just crawl home, then.”

The next morning, his wife finds him in the hallway, asleep. “You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she asks.

“How’d you know?” he replies, angered by the implications.

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

Michael Vessels
Jacksonville, FL

A termite walks into a bar and says, “So, is the bar tender here?”

Chris Dixon
Bremerton, WA

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. “Wait a minute,” says the woman. “I don’t know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs.”

The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. “Excuse me, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper.”

“Yeah, that’s so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything,” says the bartender. “That way I don’t need to wash my hands.”

“That makes sense,” says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, “I don’t mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?”

The bartender smiles and replies, “That’s what the tongs are for.”

Kyle Gibbs

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement she readily consented. He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” replied the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”

Ananias T.
Seattle WA

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

Jesse Determann
San Diego, CA

A young Southern belle walks into a bar after having a very bad day. The bartender asks her what she would like to drink, to which she replies, “What kind of beer do you suggest?”

“Anheuser-Busch?” the bartender says.

The Southern belle then retorts, “Fine thank you. And how’s your dick?”

Valerie
South Lyon, MI

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of whiskey and a glass.

“Something wrong, pal?” asks the bartender.

“Ah, my wife’s pissed,” the guy says. “The other day was my birthday, and she got naked and told me I could do whatever I wanted with her.”

“Nice,” says the bartender. “So what’s the problem?”

“I sent her to her mother’s house.”

Jimmy Takajima
Honolulu