Blonde Ambition
Q: What is every blonde’s ambition?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Archive for Blonde
Martha Stewart’s Holiday To-Do List
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows ‘2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Blonde Lightning Storm
Q: Why do blondes smile when there’s lightning?
A: Because they think they’re getting their picture taken!
Blonde’s Bridge
Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?
So she could have shade when she swam across!
Blonde in a Barber Shop
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde’s headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: “Breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…breathe out."
There’s a blonde on one s
There’s a blonde on one side of a river and a brunette on the other. The brunette yells across the river to the blonde, “How do you get to the other side?”
“Duh,” the blonde replies. “You’re already on the other side.”
Kalen
New York, NY
Blonde’s Shoes
Q: Why do blondes have “TGIF” on their shoes?
A: “Toes go in first.”
The Blonde And The E-mail
A blonde was telling a brunette that her computer broke. So the brunette said she would check the blonde’s e-mail for her. The blonde said, ”Cool! E-mail me and tell me what I got.”