Two drunks are laying on the floor, and one of them is sticking a finger in and out of the other drunk’s ass.
When a cop walks by and looks at the drunks, he says, “What the hell are you two doing?”
The first drunk replies, “Oh, I’m just helping my friend vomit.”
So the cop says, “Do you think I’m stupid? Sticking your finger in his ass is no way to make your friend vomit.”
“Just wait until I stick it in his mouth,” replies the drunk.
Sotelo
Hollywood, CA
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
A drunk stumbles into a bar and orders a drink.
“I am sorry, sir, but it is not our policy to serve drunks here. You will have to go elsewhere,” replies the bartender.
“Ah screw you! Who needs your drinks anyway?” says the drunk as he leaves.
The drunk comes back in the side door of the bar and orders another drink.
Much to the surprise of the drunk, the bartender refuses the man again.
“What the hell is the world coming to when a man can’t get a damn drink?” remarks the drunk as he stumbles away a second time.
Again, the drunk comes in the back door and once again sits at the bar and orders a drink, visibly upset by now.
The bartender the tells the man, “Listen buddy, this is the last time I am going to tell you, I am not going to get you a drink. Now beat it.”
The drunk looks quite confused and then roars, “How many damn bars do you work at?”
Chris Thigpen
Stone Mountain, GA
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. Acop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.
The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”
“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies. About this time thecop looks down to see that the man’s diddle is hanging out of his fly forall the world to see.
He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “Ohhh,God…they got my girlfriend too!”
A man had been drinking at a pub all night when the bartender finally decided to close up shop. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air to try to sober up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called-you left your wheelchair there again.”
House Rules
A drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and demands a drink.
“Get out!” yells the bartender. “I don’t serve drunks here.”
The guy staggers out the front door, comes in through the side door, sits down, bangs his fist, and loudly demands a drink.
“I thought I just told you to get out,” says the bartender.
So the drunk gets up, stumbles out the side door, and returns through the back door. He again sits down and angrily calls for a drink.
The bartender walks over to the guy and yells, “I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get the hell out!”
The drunk looks up and slurs, “Hey, buddy, how many fuckin’ bars do you work at, anyway?”
Jacinthe MacEachern
South Porcupine, Canada
Periscope Down
A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?”
“About three knots,” says the hooker.
“Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?”
“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”
Sam Curtis
Cincinnati, OH
Crimes and Misdemeanors
A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin, and an alert cop pulls him over.
“Where have you been?” asks the police officer.
“To the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens!” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Charles R. Wilson
Plainfield, NJ
A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”
“What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses.
The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”
Frank
Bloomington, IL