An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.

“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”

A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. ”Why did you do that?”asked the other men.

”We have plenty of fine wine in France,” said the man.

Next, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. ”Why did you do that?” asked the other men.

“‘We have plenty of cigars in Cuba,” said the Cuban man.

Finally, the American man pickes up the Cuban man and throws him off the cliff. ”What did you do that for?” asked the French man.

”We have plenty of Cubans in America.”

Q: What county in Ireland hates “South Park?”

A: Killkenny.

1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea’s lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you’re from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day

Two Cajun fishermen, Brock and Charley, take off fishing in the Gulf of Mexico for a couple of months.

Upon their return, they notice a Taco Bell has been built near the dock.

Brock turns to Charley and says, “Well, look at that! Them Mexicans already done come over here and built a telephone company.”

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You’ve been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We’ll have to cut it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.

The doctor examines him and says, "You’ve been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”

The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

Once a madman said, “Do you know there is a war going on between India and Bharat?

Another madman said, “Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan.”

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
“Did y’know that St. Patrick was a sissy?”

“Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.”

The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn’t worked. The second decided to try.

“Did y’know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?”

“Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye.”

The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn’t worked. The third man knew he had the solution.

“Did y’know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?”

“Oh, no. But that’s what y’r friends hae been trying to tell me.”

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove were all walking along a beach together after a peace talk , when they spotted an empty champagne bottle lying in the sand . They popped it open, and a Genie materialised before them , announcing, “You have two wishes each.”

First , George Bush said , “I wish I had an army of a million tanks to wipe out Saddam Hussein’s army and free the people of Iraq! I also wish I had a fleet of a million oil tankers , to take his oil supplies when I’m done !”

The Genie granted the Chief Executive his wish .

“Ha !” Saddam retorted . “You won’t defeat me so easily ! I wish there was an impregnable wall around all of Iraq , so no Iranians , Israelis or infidel Westerners may enter ! I also wish to be transported safely back to my palace in Baghdad !”

And with that , the Genie did his bidding , and Saddam vanished in a puff of smoke .

This left only General Cosgrove .

“Well , first of all ,” said the good General ,”tell me about this wall .”

“Well , it’s higher than any aeroplane can fly and thicker than any explosive can penetrate ,” replied the Genie . “There are no entrances or exits . Basically , nothing can get in or out .”

“Right ,” replied Cosgrove . “Fill it with water .”

Polish Joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the bartender pours it, the guy says, “I just heard the funniest Polish joke! You’ve gotta hear it.”

The bartender leans over the bar and growls, “Buddy, I’m Polish. You see the two big bouncers over there? They’re the Kowalski brothers. Do you still want to tell that Polish joke?”

“Nah,” says the guy. “I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”