One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can”t take anything from you, I”m just glad I didn”t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I”ll give him the three things that I would want. I”ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life.”

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, “I”m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’’s great! I hit under par every time.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?” The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?”

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Only once or twice a week?!”

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Two gay men decide to get themselves chased by the police for a laugh. So one of them offers to beef a copper, and promptly they are chased by two burly policemen, who are very pissed off. Soon they arrive at a two way junction. They decide to split up, so one runs to the right and escapes, and the other one ends up in an alleyway with a dead end. Fearing a shit kicking, he jumps into a bin, and pulls the lid over his head. 2 minutes later the police run in and one of them pulls out his truncheon.
“Right, ya poofy wee bastard! If I find you I’m gonny ram this truncheon right up yer arse!”
“I’m in here!!!”

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

“I have an idea,” said Mike. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”

“What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”

“What, do you think I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull’s testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.

The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ”Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins”.

Zen and How

A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, noting then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently she returned to Kuwait and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

The Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”

What do reggae bands and virgins have in common?

They both have hymen!

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

Did you know that Rita McNeil has a tatoo of Canada on her butt?
Ya, every time she bends over Quebec seperates!