A truck driver had a 2 day lay-over during the St. Patrick’s Day holiday. He was getting bored with just sitting at the truck stop cafe, so he decided to go for a few beers. After about the 4th one, he had to use the bathroom badly. He went into the bathroom, and he was peeing, lhe ooked into the next stall and noticed a leprechaun whose penis was HUGE!

“Let me ask you something…how come short guys have bigger peckers than tall guys?”

In his heavy Irish accent, the leprechaun looked up and said, “I don’t know laddy, i’m a leprechaun”.

With that, the trucker reached out and grabbed him and said, “Well guess what? I caught ya!”

“Aye lad, that ya did, but your wishes won’t come true until tomorrow morning”.

The trucker was confused by this, “Why not? You’re a leprechaun, I caught ya, so you are supposed to grant me 3 wishes.”

“Well”, began the leprechaun, “you don’t know anything about us leprechauns. We get a day of the year off and it happens to be St. Patrick’s Day.” Well, the trucker understanding this made his 3 wishes. He wanted to own his trucking company, he wanted every woman he saw to desire his body and he wanted 10 million dollars in the bank, tax free. The leprechaun said it would be done in the morning. On his way out of the restroom, the leprechaun says, “Lad, would you like to have your wishes come true tonight?”

“Well yeah, but what’s the catch?”, came the reply. “Well, you gotta let a leprechaun corn-hole ya.” The trucker, at first protested, but then the leprechaun reminded him of all that he would be gaining in few precious moments. Thinking about the money, the company becoming his and ALL those women, he agreed but told the leprechaun not to tell anyone. When it was all over, the leprechaun was getting ready to leave, turned to the trucker and said, “Laddy, can I ask ya a question?”

“Sure”, says the trucker.

“How old are ya now?”

“I’m 40 years old” says the trucker.

With that, the leprechaun says, “You mean to tell me that you’re 40 years old and still believe in leprechauns?”

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, “I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here.”

There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy’s face. Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, “I’ll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here.”

After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man’s face, then dashed back.

The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said, “If you spit in my face again, I’m going to cut your pecker off.”

The leprechaun laughed and said, “Leprechauns don’t have peckers.”

Then the man said, “If you don’t have peckers, then how do you pee?”

“By spitting,” said the leprechaun.

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.”

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?

A jolly green giant.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can”t take anything from you, I”m just glad I didn”t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I”ll give him the three things that I would want. I”ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life.”

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, “I”m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’’s great! I hit under par every time.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?” The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?”

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Only once or twice a week?!”

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

A Drunken Night A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn’t remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million. This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.

Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around.

In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well.

He asks the leprechaun what is going on.

“Well,” says the leprechaun, “I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me.”

“Well, I can guess the first one” says the guy, “Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?”

“The money in the fridge?” says the leprechaun, “You asked for a cool million.”

“And them out there?” asks the guy,

“You said you wanted to be hung like a black man.”

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling through the forrest one day when he happens upon a Leprechaun, perched upon a toadstool. The Leprechaun looks down at the poor snail, crawling on his belly all his life, and takes pity on him. “Snail,” he says. “I am going to grant you a wish. Whatever you want, you have only to ask.”

The snail can’t believe his luck! He thinks for a moment, and then excitedly exclaims, “Yes! I do have a wish! I want a brand new, shiny red Corvette Stingray!” The Leprechaun at first thinks that this is pretty strange, but then, considering that he is talking to a snail, perhaps not.

“And” continues the snail. “I want a bright, golden “S” painted on the doors, the hood and the trunk of my corvette.”

“You shall have your wish,” responds the Leprechaun. With the wave of his hand, the snail’s wish is granted.

And now, whenever the snail roars through the forrest in his shiny new corvette, with the big “S” on the side, all the other animals of the forrest say… “Wow! Look at that crazy “S” car go!”

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

“Please God”, he implored, “let it be blood!”

A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Michigan man politely ignored the Canadian, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The Canadian snapped his gum and said, “You Michigan folk eat the whole bread?”

The Michigan man sighed, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.”

The Canadian blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In Canada, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Michigan.” The Canadian had a smirk on his face.

The Michigan man listened in silence. The Canadian persisted. “D’ya eat jelly with the bread?”

The Michigan man rolled his eyes and replied, “Of course.”

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Canadian said, “We don’t. In Canada, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Michigan.”

The Michigan man then asked, “Do you have sex in Canada?” The Canadian smiled and said, “Why of course we do.” The Michigan leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

“We throw them away, of course.”

The Michigan smiled and said, “We don’t. In Michigan, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the Canadians.”

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

“I’ll only marry you under three conditions.”

“Anything, anything,” said the ambassador.

“First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.”

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, “Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!”

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

“Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of Italy.”

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick conversation, he said, “Yes, yes, I build, I build!”

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

“Finally,” she said. “I’ll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis.”

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, “Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!”