Cork of Fate

One day in the locker room, Bob sees a fat man with a cork in his ass. Curious, he asks the man how it got there.

"Well," says the man, "I was walking along the beach when I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke and this great big guy in a turban came oozing out, saying, ‘I am a genie. I can grant you one wish.’ And I said, ‘No shit!’"

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes a genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East and asks the genie if he can bring peace to this part of the world.

The genie pales, and says, “Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen.”

“OK”, the guy says, “tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me with the best blow job I’ve ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!”

The genie shakes his head and says, “Let me see that map again.”

Sean
Huntersville, NC

Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, “I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss.”

The man agrees and makes his first wish: “I want lots of money.” Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, “You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.”

The man says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

Wishful thinking

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

A man went to the doctor’s office for a full body exam. To the doctor’s surprise, the man had a cork where his asshole should be.
“What is this?”, asked the Doctor.
“Oh, you’re referring to the cork. Don’t try to remove it… it’s permanent.”
“How did it happen?”
“Well, few months ago I was having a long walk on the beach when I accidentally tripped over a lamp. And then there was a lot of smoke and a genie came out ofit. He says,‘I shall grant you one wish.‘”
So Isaid, “NO SHIT!!”

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.”

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?”

“Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.”

“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

“Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said.

“And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.”

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly.

“No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

Matt CoxKirkwood, MO

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. He happens to look down the bar and sees a man with a head the size of a cue ball sitting there, so he walks down and says to the man, “Excuse me, sir, I don’t mean to be rude, but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?”

The man says, “No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship, so I swam to shore.”

“Then one day, a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.”

“What she’d say?” the curious stranger asked.

“She said, ‘I can’t grant that wish, because mermaids can’t have sex.’ ”

“So,” continued the old man with a dejected look on his face, “I said, ‘How about a little head?’ ”

Marco
Mesa, AZ

Ale-ing the Seven Seas

Bob and Doug, adrift in a lifeboat, see an old lamp floating in the sea. Bob starts rubbing the lamp, and a genie pops out and says she’ll grant them one wish. Without giving much thought to the matter, Bob blurts out, "Turn the ocean into beer!" Immediately the genie claps her hands and disappears in a puff of smoke, and the entire sea turns into brew. Only the gentle lapping of beer against the hull breaks the stillness.

Doug looks disgustedly at Bob and, after a long, tension-filled moment, shouts, "You idiot! Now we have to pee in the boat!"

Two guys were stranded on a deserted island for over 20 years. One day, one finds a bottle and a genie comes out. I will grant each of you only one wish.

The first guys immediately asks to go back home and poof, he’s gone.

The seconds thinks for a minute then says to the genie, “You know I’m gonna miss him, can you bring him back?”

Thomas
Stroudsburg, PA

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the two frat guys and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, “I wish the ocean was made of beer.” Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, “You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!”