Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, barely able to see over the dashboard. While cruising along, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought for sure she’d seen the light turn red, but said nothing, for fear that she was imagining things.

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection in which the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light was red. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and the two went right through it. Finally, the passenger turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us.”

Mildred turned to her and replied, “Oh, shit! Am I driving?”

James Lui-Yee

A wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy littlenegligee she wore on their wedding night. She looked at him andsaid, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looked up at her and replied, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

“That’s right,” she replied. “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nods and said, “Yes dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?”

He responded, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, ’Ohhhhhhh,Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!’”

She giggled and said, “Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said and now it’s 50 years later, I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”

Again, he looked up at her and looked her up and down and said, “Mission Accomplished.”

King of the Jungle

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”

The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”

The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”
—D. Cartwright, Manhattan, KS

Three Times a Maybe
Three old men are at a health institute for a memory test.

“What’s three times three?” the doctor asks the first old man.

“Two seventy-four,” he replies.

“What’s three times three?” the doctor asks the second old man.

“Tuesday,” he replies.

The doctor figures he’s in for a long morning. He turns to the third old man and asks, “OK, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” he replies.

“Yes!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Easy, Doc. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

Nathan Hurly
San Diego, CA

A group of senior citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

“My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully.? “Thank God we can all still drive!”

Three generations of hookers are sitting around talking when the daughter says, “you know I got really pissed off today when a guy only gave me $50 for giving him a blowjob.”
The mother seys “$50? Back in the 1950’s we were happy to get $20”
And the grandmother says “Twenty dollars? Ha! back in the 1930’s we where just happy to have something warm in our stomachs.”.

A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again.

The old man slowly looks at him and says, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

What’s Up, Doc?

A guy goes to his doctor because he’s been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, "Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad news."

"What’s the very bad news?" the man asks warily.

"Well," says the doctor, "our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live."

"Oh, my God!" says the man. "Well, what’s the bad news?"

"Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer’s disease," says the doc.

"Well, I can always look on the bright side," says the man. "At least I don’t have cancer!"

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

Art
Chicago

Unnatural Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice.”

“I can help you,” says the doc. “Take these pills and come back next week.”

The next week, the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek.”

The doctor says, “Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing.”