What’s Up, Doc?

A guy goes to his doctor because he’s been having problems remembering things. After a battery of tests the doctor says, "Unfortunately, I have bad news, and I have very bad news."

"What’s the very bad news?" the man asks warily.

"Well," says the doctor, "our tests show that you have cancer and only have three weeks to live."

"Oh, my God!" says the man. "Well, what’s the bad news?"

"Our tests indicate that you also have Alzheimer’s disease," says the doc.

"Well, I can always look on the bright side," says the man. "At least I don’t have cancer!"

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

“Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

Art
Chicago

Unnatural Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice.”

“I can help you,” says the doc. “Take these pills and come back next week.”

The next week, the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek.”

The doctor says, “Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing.”

A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again.

The old man slowly looks at him and says, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

A group of senior citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

“My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully.? “Thank God we can all still drive!”

A wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy littlenegligee she wore on their wedding night. She looked at him andsaid, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looked up at her and replied, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

“That’s right,” she replied. “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nods and said, “Yes dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?”

He responded, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, ’Ohhhhhhh,Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!’”

She giggled and said, “Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said and now it’s 50 years later, I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”

Again, he looked up at her and looked her up and down and said, “Mission Accomplished.”

A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90year old woman. They hit it off right away.

After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, “You know, we’repast our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just holdmy penis in your hand.”

The woman seemed surprised, but said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do anyharm to just hold it.” So, for the next few weeks, they could always befound on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the man’s penis in herhand.

One day the old man didn’t show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out insearch of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the oldman…with another woman.

The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding theman’s penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, “Ithought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, andshe’s holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don’thave???”

The old man looked up, smiled, and said…“Parkinson’s.”

A New York family wants to put Grandpa in a nursing home, but all the city’s facilities are full. So they decide to put him in a highly touted home in Mississippi. After a few days, they call him.

“How do you like it so far?” the grandson asks.

“It’s wonderful,” he says. “Let me tell you about the friendly residents here.

“There’s a musician who hasn’t played the violin in 20 years, but everyone still calls him Maestro.

“There’s a physician here who hasn’t practiced medicine for 25 years, and they still call him Doc.

“And me, I haven’t had sex for over 30 years, yet everybody still calls me the Fucking Yankee.”

A little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and says, “Whoever can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight.”

A little old man in the back of the room yells, “An elephant.”

The old lady says, “Close enough.”

Rich
Overland Park, KS

A 90-year-old man living in a rest home was given a weekend pass. He stopped by his favorite bar, sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a vivacious 70-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and sent the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined her, and they went to her apartment, where they slapped loose skin.

Days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently, to which the old man proudly replied, “Sure!”

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. “Sure, doc, but why?” asked the old man.

“You’d better get over there, you’re about to cum!”

Steven W.
Chula Vista, CA