An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly, “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”

To which Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam. Should’a bought a hat.”

Michael Gross
Buffalo, NY

An 85-year-old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor’s office with an empty jar.

“What happened?” says the doc.

“Well,” the old man starts, “I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. Then she tried her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing. We even called in Arlene, the lady next door, but still nothing.”

The doctor bursts out, “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar open.”

Kevin Pehler
Smyrna, GA

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night Ihad an affair. I made love to two 21 year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were inconfession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked himhow he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”

Escort Servicing

An old man marries a young woman, and though they’re in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm.

They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies.”

The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions.

The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm.

The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”
—John N. Contreras, Hobbs, NM

An elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the old man leans over and says to his wife, “Dear, there’s something I have to ask you. It’s always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of the kids. I must know: Did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. “Yes,” she admits. “He does.”

Tears well up in the old man’s eyes. “Please,” he says, “would you tell me who it was?”

The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, “You.”

An old man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “There’s something wrong with my penis.”

The embarrassed receptionist leans over her desk and whispers, “Sir, you shouldn’t say something like that in a crowded office.”

“What am I supposed to do?” he asks.

“You could’ve said you have a problem with your ear and then discussed it with the doctor privately.”

“OK, I’ll try again.”

So the old man walks out of the office, returns a moment later, and says, “There’s something wrong with my ear.”

“OK,” the receptionist says approvingly. “What’s wrong with your ear?”

“I can’t piss out of it.”

John Damiano
San Ramon, CA

It’s Fallen and I Can’t Get It Up!

“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. Ican’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what Ican do.”

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

“Take offyour clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doctor says. “Now turn all the wayaround. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.” The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” hesaid. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

Last Writes

Old Fred’s hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn’t look good for him. Suddenly he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At Fred’s funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes that he’s wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. “Fred handed me a note just before he died,” he says. “I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration in it for us all.”

Opening the note, he reads aloud, “Help! You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

It’s a Great Time to Be Silver!

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"