A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90year old woman. They hit it off right away.

After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, “You know, we’repast our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just holdmy penis in your hand.”

The woman seemed surprised, but said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do anyharm to just hold it.” So, for the next few weeks, they could always befound on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the man’s penis in herhand.

One day the old man didn’t show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out insearch of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the oldman…with another woman.

The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding theman’s penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, “Ithought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, andshe’s holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don’thave???”

The old man looked up, smiled, and said…“Parkinson’s.”

A New York family wants to put Grandpa in a nursing home, but all the city’s facilities are full. So they decide to put him in a highly touted home in Mississippi. After a few days, they call him.

“How do you like it so far?” the grandson asks.

“It’s wonderful,” he says. “Let me tell you about the friendly residents here.

“There’s a musician who hasn’t played the violin in 20 years, but everyone still calls him Maestro.

“There’s a physician here who hasn’t practiced medicine for 25 years, and they still call him Doc.

“And me, I haven’t had sex for over 30 years, yet everybody still calls me the Fucking Yankee.”

A little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and says, “Whoever can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight.”

A little old man in the back of the room yells, “An elephant.”

The old lady says, “Close enough.”

Rich
Overland Park, KS

A 90-year-old man living in a rest home was given a weekend pass. He stopped by his favorite bar, sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a vivacious 70-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and sent the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined her, and they went to her apartment, where they slapped loose skin.

Days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently, to which the old man proudly replied, “Sure!”

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. “Sure, doc, but why?” asked the old man.

“You’d better get over there, you’re about to cum!”

Steven W.
Chula Vista, CA

An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Sam buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly, “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now?” Bessie looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it’s hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking at my new boots!”

To which Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam. Should’a bought a hat.”

Michael Gross
Buffalo, NY

An 85-year-old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor’s office with an empty jar.

“What happened?” says the doc.

“Well,” the old man starts, “I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. Then she tried her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing. We even called in Arlene, the lady next door, but still nothing.”

The doctor bursts out, “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar open.”

Kevin Pehler
Smyrna, GA

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night Ihad an affair. I made love to two 21 year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were inconfession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“Are you kidding? I’m telling everybody!”

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked himhow he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”

Escort Servicing

An old man marries a young woman, and though they’re in love, the wife can’t achieve an orgasm.

They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, “Hire a strapping young man. While you’re making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies.”

The couple’s desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still can’t get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions.

The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm.

The husband smiles and says triumphantly, “You see, young fella? That’s how you wave a towel!”
—John N. Contreras, Hobbs, NM

An elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the old man leans over and says to his wife, “Dear, there’s something I have to ask you. It’s always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of the kids. I must know: Did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. “Yes,” she admits. “He does.”

Tears well up in the old man’s eyes. “Please,” he says, “would you tell me who it was?”

The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, “You.”