A Prayer for the Dying
One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, “My penis died.”
Deciding to humor him, the girl says “Oh, poor baby. I’m sorry to hear that.”
Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.
“Mr. Smith!” she cries. “I thought you said your penis had died!”
“It did. Today’s the viewing.”
Terrence Blakely
Dallas, TX
A Prayer for the Dying
One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, “My penis died.”
Deciding to humor him, the girl says “Oh, poor baby. I’m sorry to hear that.”
Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.
“Mr. Smith!” she cries. “I thought you said your penis had died!”
“It did. Today’s the viewing.”
Terrence Blakely
Dallas, TX
Q: What’s the best thing about Alzheimers disease?
A: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Robert R.
Camp Casey, South Korea
Q: What has a hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo
Tim
Plano, TX
Q: What’s the best thing about Alzheimer’s disease?
A: Every morning you wake up with a girl you just met.
Dale
NY
Three generations of hookers are sitting around talking when the daughter says, “you know I got really pissed off today when a guy only gave me $50 for giving him a blowjob.”
The mother seys “$50? Back in the 1950’s we were happy to get $20”
And the grandmother says “Twenty dollars? Ha! back in the 1930’s we where just happy to have something warm in our stomachs.”.
Three Times a Maybe
Three old men are at a health institute for a memory test.
“What’s three times three?” the doctor asks the first old man.
“Two seventy-four,” he replies.
“What’s three times three?” the doctor asks the second old man.
“Tuesday,” he replies.
The doctor figures he’s in for a long morning. He turns to the third old man and asks, “OK, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” he replies.
“Yes!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that?”
“Easy, Doc. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”
Nathan Hurly
San Diego, CA
The Pendulums of Time
To celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary, a couple checks into a fancy hotel and has crazy monkey sex all night. Upon waking up, they order breakfast, and after it’s delivered the husband says, “Do you remember what we did on our honeymoon?”
She nods and says, “Let’s do it again.”
So they strip and sit down to eat.
“Darling,” she says, “you’re as sexy now as you were 75 years ago.”
“Oh, yeah,” he says.
“In fact,” she continues, “my nipples are burning just like back then.”
The husband grimaces and says, “That’s because this time they’re hanging in the oatmeal.”
Dave Hirt
Hempstead, NY
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, barely able to see over the dashboard. While cruising along, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought for sure she’d seen the light turn red, but said nothing, for fear that she was imagining things.
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection in which the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light was red. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and the two went right through it. Finally, the passenger turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us.”
Mildred turned to her and replied, “Oh, shit! Am I driving?”
James Lui-Yee
King of the Jungle
Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.
“Well, back in 1944 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we went big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I’ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just shit my pants.”
The young men are amazed. One of them says, “I don’t blame you. I’d crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!”
The old man shakes his head and says, “No, no, not then—just now when I said roar!”
—D. Cartwright, Manhattan, KS