Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer’s funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: ?Justice prevailed.?

The senior partner replied in haste, ?Appeal immediately.?

Definition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with their clothes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb?
A: One but it has to have a good case.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

A man walks into a bar and he’s really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

He replies, “No, I’m an asshole.”

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable.”

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It’s called, Sosumi.