A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.

Q: Why don’t they let Minnesota women go out with Wisconsin guys?

A: Have you ever seen a gopher hole after a badger has been in it?

A man was selling his brand-new luxury car for ten dollars. A woman answered the ad, but she was slightly disbelieving.

”Ten bucks?!? What’s the gimmick?” she inquired.

”No gimmick,” the man answered. ”My wife died, and in her will she asked that the car be sold and that all the money go to the mailman.”

A mink in the closet
A Jaguar in the garage
A tiger in the bedroom
And an ass to pay for it all!

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, “That’s once.”

Then it stumbled again. He said, “That’s twice.”

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn’t say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the hores dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, “That’s once.”

What do you call a man without a brain?
Single or widowed!!

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

“You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.”

“I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure.” said Officer BT. “I walked up to (Bloggs) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin”.

BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: “I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’ He got real surprised as you’d expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, ‘A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?’”

Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper came over to them and started to shake her ass. The first guy goes, ”Watch this,” so he licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it on her ass. The second guy goes, ”Oh yeah? Watch this,” so he takes a 100 dollar bill and licks it and sticks it on her ass. The third guy goes “That’s nothing! He takes out his credit card, slides it down her ass crack and takes the money.’

If you could cook, said the husband, “we could fire the chef.”

“If you could screw,” replied the wife, “we could fire the driver.”

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

”Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”

The doctor reassured her, ”A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

”On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…,” replied the lady.