Add the beds, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I’ll multiply!

In days of old, when knights were bold,
And condoms weren’t invented,
They wrapped their socks
Around their cocks,
And babies were prevented!

Adam was in the Garden of Eden feeling lonely when he decided to ask God a favor.

Adam said, “I am lonely. Could you make me a companion to share my life with?”

God replied, “What do you have in mind?”

Adam said, “I would like a female with beautiful eyes, shiny hair, and soft skin. Someone who will never get tired of me and never argue with me. Someone who I can talk to endlessly about football. You know, someone I will want to be with forever.

God said, “Sure, I can do that for you, however it will cost you an arm and a leg.”

Adam said, “Well, what can I get for a rib?”

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS….

I’m sorry… what did you ask me?

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn’t want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren’t real.

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go – and it was a doozy.

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.

“Holy cow! What’s that smell?”

“I don’t know, sir. I don’t smell anything. What does it smell like to you?”

“Like someone crapped a Christmas tree.”

Hey baby, are those space pants? Cuz your butt is outta this world!

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out “The President Sucks.” Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
“The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President.”
“Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?”
“The handwriting’s the first lady’s.”

Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.

Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you’re not holding the pillow hard enough!