A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. “It is really quite simple,” they said. “We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.”

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worry about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ”Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.”

The guy replies, ”Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?”

The doctor says, ”No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.”

Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God?

A: God doesn’t think he’s a brain surgeon!

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!”

“Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.”

A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.

”Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman. “Do you know anything about this at all?”

”No, constable”, said the man.

”Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”

Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.”

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

”You are fine, how am I?”

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.

Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.

“What’s going on here?”

“I don’t know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.”

A man sees a growth coming out from the center of his forehead and consults with a specialist who tells him he has a rare genetic disorder and what’s happening to him is that a penis is growing out of his head. He is told that his life is not in danger, but it’s inoperable due to its extensive root system. He is told to wear a hat and that it could be a whole lot worse.

“How can you say that? Every morning when I comb my hair or shave, I’m going to see a dick sticking out of my forehead. Do you know what that’s gonna do to my ego?”

“You won’t see anything,” the doctor says. “Your balls will be in your eyes.”

What do you want to be when you grow up?

“A doctor?”

“And why’s that?”

“Because it’s the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill.”