Bird it Through the Grapevine
Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable.
Archive for Medical
What do puppies and gynecologists…
Q: What do puppies and gynecologists have in common?
A: Wet noses.
Why can’t skeletons play music in …
Q: Why can’t skeletons play music in church?
A: Because they’ve got no organs.
Milking it
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
?Breast fed,? the woman replied.
?Well, strip down to your waist,? the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, ?No wonder this baby is under weight! You don?t have any milk.?
?I know,? she said, ?I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.?
A man at a retirement home was walking …
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.
A young nurse says “Why are you doing that?”
He replies,”It died today.”
“Oh that’s terrible!”, the nurse replied
The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse says, “I thought it died yesterday.”
The man replies, “It did. Today is the viewing”
Things Couldn’t Be Nurse
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I”m only here to wash your face and hands.”
He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?”
Again the nurse replies, “I can”t tell. I”m only here to wash your face and hands.”
The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.
“Nurse,” he mumbles, “Are my testicles black?”
Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, “Nothing is wrong with them!!!”
At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,
“Are my test results back?”
Crazy Ass Joke
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: “Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: “Hysterias and Posteriors.”
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”
No go! Next they tried “Catatonics and Colonics” Thumbs down again.
Then came, “Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives.”
But is was still not good! So they tried:
“Minds and Behinds”
“Analysis and Anal Cysts”
“Nuts and Butts”
“Freaks and Cheeks”
“Loons and Moons”
“Lost Souls and Ass Holes”
None worked.
Almost at their wits’ end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
“Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends.”
APPROVED!
What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?
What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?
A cancelled Czech!
A Brief History Of Medicine
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A Brief Visit to the Doctor
A man and his wife went to the doctor’s office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ”What?”
Again, the doctor said, ”I need a blood, urine and feces sample.”
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:
”Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!”