What do you do with a blue whale?

Cheer it up!

What does a fish smoke?

Sea weed

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.

“Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…”

“But what, son?” asks the father.

“She’s a virgin.”

The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”

Rupert Munson
Fort Worth, TX

10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke

9. You say, “Do you think that lawn is gonna mow itself?” But then it does

8. Your child gets busted shoplifting a newt

7. Can turn lead into gold, but he can’t remember to take out the trash .

6. He wears shiny red satin robes — and you’re just praying he’s a wizard

5. Favorite discount electronics chain: The Wiz

4. Refers to Halloween as “amateur night”

3. He’s only 12, but somehow he’s dating Gwyneth Paltrow

2. His homework ate the dog

1. You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?

A: A full set of teeth.

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.

Three generations of hookers are sitting around talking when the daughter says, “you know I got really pissed off today when a guy only gave me $50 for giving him a blowjob.”
The mother seys “$50? Back in the 1950’s we were happy to get $20”
And the grandmother says “Twenty dollars? Ha! back in the 1930’s we where just happy to have something warm in our stomachs.”.

The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she was missing three boys and one girl.

After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He said, “Shree Hill.”

Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He also said, “Shree Hill.”

Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been. And he said, “On top of Shree Hill.”

Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, “Who are you?”
And she said, “Shree Hill.”

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, “What’s that Mommy?”

A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, “Where is your sponge mommy?”

Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother’s sponge. “What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?”

“The lady next door has it and she’s washing Daddy’s face with it!”

A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4 engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM occurred.

The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three engines, I repeat, we still have three engines."

Everyone stayed calm.

About another hour later, another boom.

The flight attendant comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more engines to go!"

The people stayed calm.

An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.

Then, the Polish man stood up and said outloud, "Man! If this keeps up, we could be up here all day!"