Circular Logic
Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”

Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.

“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.

“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”

“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”

The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”

“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.

“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”

Eric Santos
Atlanta, GA

Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?”

The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?”

Rumsfeld says, “We’re planning World War III,” to which the guy replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Rumsfeld says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.”

And the guy exclaims, “Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!”

With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!”

J. Wruble
Los Angeles, CA

As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breath. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!’”

“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!’”

“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.”

A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help.
Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?”
“No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.

The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and Bill replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.”

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which Bill says, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”

Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”

-Rod Jennings, Carthage, TN

Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Clinton that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Clinton insists.

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, it did some astronaut training near a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. They then took the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the message said, “Watch out for these guys. They have come to steal your land.”

It’s Good to be the King

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him.

"What is it?" sighs the president.

"It’s this abortion bill. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.

"Go ahead and pay it," says the president.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of thebackground checks, interviews, and testing were done there were threefinalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIAagents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him agun.

““We must know that you will follow your instructions, nomatter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find yourwife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into theroom. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came outwith tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and gohome.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heardscreaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, allwas quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Shewiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell methe gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with thechair.”

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a lawyer?

A: Chelsea Clinton