Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the woman you were with?”

“Sure and I can’t be tellin’ ya, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy,” says the priest, “I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“I cannot say,” says Tommy.

“Was it Patricia Kelly?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Liz Shannon?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Five good leads!” says Tommy.

Rob Taylor
Rockville, MD

Two nuns are on a break in the rectory.

“I was cleaning Father Tom’s room a few days ago,” gossips the first nun, “and I found a bunch of condoms.”

“Oh, my,” gasps the second nun. “What did you do?”

“I poked holes in them,” she replies.

“Fuck!” says the second nun.

Bryan Connell
via e-mail

A man is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven”

The man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman. He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers—who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds—and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence. He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the balls to make a point.

St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file…when did that happen?”

The man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”

Ed
Chicago, IL

A nun at a Catholic school is asking her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzie declares, “I want to be a prostitute.”

“What did you say?” asks the nun.

“I said I want to be a prostitute,” Suzie repeats.

“Oh, thank heavens,” says the nun. “I thought you said a Protestant!”

A small town has a monastery on one end, and convent on the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It’s a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over.

As he gets to the edge of town, a hooker approaches him and asks, “Hey father, how ’bout a blowjob, 25 bucks?”

The priest says, “What’s a blowjob?” at which the hooker laughs and walks away.

At the center of town, another hooker asks the same thing, with the same result.

At the other edge of town, still another hooker asks him the same question, to which the priest again replies, “What’s a blowjob?” And, again, she laughs and walks off.

Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, “May I ask you a question, sister?”

“Of course,” she says.

“What’s a blowjob?” the priest asks.

“Twenty-five bucks,” says the nun, “same as in town.”

Art Meyer
Tucson, AZ

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.”

The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, ’tis I.”

“And who might be the woman you were with?”

“I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”

“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Fiona Mallory, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“Five more good leads!”

Peter
Lombard, IL

Father Mike is hearing confessions one day when he gets the urge to take a leak. He motions the janitor over.

“Hey, Bob,” he says. “Take over. If someone comes in, just check the list on the wall and give ’em their penance.”

Bob wearily agrees, and no sooner does he take over than a woman enters the booth and blurts out, “Father, I can’t stop giving anal sex to strangers.”

Bob frantically checks the list but can’t find anything about anal sex. He peeks through the curtain and sees an altar boy lighting candles.

“Psst! Altar boy!” Bob calls. “What does Father Mike give for anal sex?”

“As of last week,” says the altar boy, “two lollipops and a soda.”

Michael Cappello
Arcadia, CA

The Fear of God

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school. The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
—Seth Sandeford, Bishop, GA

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.”

“Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness!”

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”

“I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffer!”

David
San Antonio, TX

Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven, where they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.”

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.” With that, poof, she’s gone.

The second nun says, “I want to be Madonna” and poof, she’s gone.

The third nun says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No, Sister, this says, ‘Sahara Pipeline’ laid by 1,900 men in six months.”

Danielle Konopka
New York, NY