One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were all discussing how much their lives suck.
The cucumber says, “I get picked from my home, sliced up, and thrown a salad. My life sucks the most.”

The pickle then says, “I get picked from my home, shoved in a jar, submerged in liquid thats smells awful. So my life sucks the most.”

The penis then says, “Oh please! My life definitely sucks the most. I get a tarp wrapped over my head, stuck in a wet black hole, and rammed against a wall until I vomit.”

What’s the difference between a hobo and a homo?
A hobo has no friends and a homo has friends up the ass!

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he’s ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can’t stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ”If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10.”

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ”Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”

So the Doberman says, ”I love liver and cheese.”

The Collie says, ”That’s not good enough.”

The Bulldog says, ”I hate liver and cheese.”

She says, ”That’s not creative.”

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ”Liver alone……cheese mine.”

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn’t quite know how to do it. He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So for three weeks, he’d load up all the pigs in the truck and take ‘em to an isolated location where nobody would see him doing it. After three weeks, none of the pigs were pregnant, so he decided to forget about it for a morning. That morning, his wife happened to look out the window.

“Honey? What are you doing to those pigs?”

“What do you mean?” asked the farmer.

“One’s honking the horn, and the others are rocking the back of the truck.”

What are three two-letter words that mean small?

“Is it in?”

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, “What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating.”

Her friend replied, “Don’t do anything. Just ignore it.”

The first girl said, “I can’t.”

Her friend, “Why can’t you ignore it?”

The first one says, “Because he’s using my hand!”

What’s the definition of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she’s making little sleeping bags for mice.

What did the thirsty whale do?
Bit the tail of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.