What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny batteries in backward?
He keeps coming and coming and coming…

Sex is like a card game - if you don’t have a good partner you better have a good hand!

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to have sex with everyone except his wife. One day, he is going on a buisness trip, and before he leaves, his wife says, ”I’ll leave you if you sleep with anyone on your trip.”

He is driving to his destination, and he sees a sign that says ”Church of Latter-Day Saints Whorehouse — 10 miles.” He thinks to himself, ”I’ll just ignore it or my wife will leave me.” There is a sign for it every mile, so he finally breaks down and goes where the sign says to go. He knocks on the door of the whorehouse and a nun comes to the door. The man says, ”Where can I get a whore?”
The nun says, ”I’ll need $500 first.” The man says okay and pays, then asks about his whore again. The nun replies, ”We will need another $100.” The man pays then asks for his whore again. The nun says ”Okay, see that hallway. Wait for 15 minutes. Go straight, left, straight, right and you’ll see a door.”

He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, ”Congrats. You have just been screwed by the Church of Latter-Day Saints.”

Q: Why is a fire truck red?

A: If someone pulled your hose you would turn red too.

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady, well, she couldn’t reach that far.

How do you compliment a donkey?

”Hey, nice ass!”

20) With chocolate size doesn’t matter; it’s always good.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
14) Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
13) With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
12) You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.
9) The word ”commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
6) You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
2) ”If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
1) You can get chocolate.

A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother gave her some advice:

“The boy may try to kiss you — it will feel good, but don’t do it. He may try to go up your skirt — but don’t let him. He may try to try to take your clothes off — but don’t do it. He may try to get on top of you — but don’t do it. If you do any of these things, you’ll disgrace your family.”

The girl said she understood and went on her date.

The girl came home at about 11pm and her grandmother was waiting for her and said, “Well, did you disgrace the family.” “No,” said the girl, “Instead of letting him do those things to me, I did them to him and now it’s his family that’s disgraced!”

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A. Beat it! We’re closed.

Why is 77 better than 69?

Because you get eight (ate) more!!!!