A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.  He asks his father for help.  "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a   million dollars.  Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister’s room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Two potatoes are walking down the street. One of them is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It’s the one that says ‘I-Da-Ho.’

A young boy was visiting his grandfather’s farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself. The boy says, “What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?” Grandpa replies, “No sonny, just jacking!”

A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet.
”What the hell are you doing?!” the man asks.
”I’m riding a bus,” his cousin replies.
”That’s a stupid thing to say!”
”That’s a stupid thing to ask!”

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.

Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, one of the men got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay for them. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. He had his friend get down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine until they were dog drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and wasted.
“Man,” one of the drunks said, “I’ve got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great.”
“Actually,” the second drunk said, “I ate the hot dog at the second bar!”

What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.

“Oh, my child,” he said, “your dress is most lovely.”

“Thank you, Father,” she replied.

The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.

“Oh, my child,” said the priest, “your conversation is most lovely.”

“Thank you, Father,” said the prostitute.

Finally, the priest sat her down and said, “Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you.”

And the prostitute said, “Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing.”

Q. What kind of bees make the best milk?

A. Boo-bees!

What’s the difference between a nun on her knees in a church, and a woman on her knees in a bathtub?

The nun has hope in her soul and the woman has soap in her hole.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit."