You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.

A young priest was visting a convent. One day he was taking shower, when he realized that he didn’t have any soap. He wrapped a towel around himself and ran to his room, hoping no one saw him. He got to his room, grabbed the soap and was running back to his shower. On his way, his towel came off, but he heard two nuns coming down the hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a statue. When the nuns came to him, one said, ”Look! A new soap dispenser!” Another said, ”How you get the soap?” So one pulled on his dick, and a bar of soap fell from his hand. ”Look! I got a bar of soap!” said the nun. The second nun pulled on his dick.

”Look! I got liquid soap!”

What do Mike Tyson and a Metallica concert have in common?

At a Metallica concert you get ringing in the ears, and at a Mike Tyson fight, you get ears in the ring!

What do you call a gay guy on an airplane?

A fruit fly.

Question – What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

Answer – A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Question – What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

Answer – A competent liberal President.

Question – Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?

Answer – Mace.

Question – Who was the first liberal Democrat?

Answer – Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he’d been and did it all on borrowed money.

Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it’s cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don’t we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It’s more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.
13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn’t know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won’t take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it’s hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where’s the rest of it?

Bubba died in a fire, and his body was burned severely. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and brought in Gomer next to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.’”

James Lui-Lee

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at adultum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains.   Arrangements were made.  But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA’s response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."

Mike Tyson finally apologized to Holyfield for biting off his ear.

He said, “Believe it or not, I have learned many things about how to behave in society while I was in jail. So I would like to apologize to Mr. Holyfield for biting his ear in such a beastly way. Next time I promise to use a knife and fork.”

You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem!