Three nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldn’t see very well because of the nun’s little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave.

”I think I’ll move to California, there’s only 50 Catholics there,” said the first man.

“I think I’ll move to Washington, there’s only 25 Catholics there.”

“I think I’ll move to Idaho, there’s only 10 Catholics there.” Then one of the nuns turned around.

“Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there.”

A young boy was visiting his grandfather’s farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself. The boy says, “What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?” Grandpa replies, “No sonny, just jacking!”

Yo momma’’s so dumb, she took an hour to make minute rice.

Why can’t gypsies have children?

Because their husbands have crystal balls!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a “handywoman,” and started canvassing a nearby affluent neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, how much do you want to paint my porch?” he asked.

The blonde, after surveying, responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing right there.”

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had lots of extra paint left over, so I gave it another two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde adds as she purses her earnings, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

John Tynsky
Quartz Hill, CA

Your momma’s like a brick, flat on both sides and laid by mexicans

What do you call a blonde with a half a brain?

Gifted!

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

A: He got pissed off.

Gary Condit was on a sinking ship and everyone was rushing to get into the lifeboats. The captain yelled, “Woman and children first!”

“Screw the Woman!” One man yelled.

“Do we have time?” said Mr. Condit.

    Curators at India’s Baroda Museum reported irreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaning person who apparently opened the mummy’s case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removed ancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages.

    An anti-logging protester from radical Earth First! was killed near Fortuna, CA, when one of the trees fell on him.

    In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for the Italian Gattinoni fashion house announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a blue two-piece suit there during an October “Roma Outsize” fashion show in Milan. She’ll supposedly get $470,000, half of which will go to charity…. Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored skin-tight “condom dress” decorated with Viagra pills.

    Saturday in Beaumont TX a 20-minute halftime brawl erupted between the Southern University and Prairie View A&M marching bands as the formations passed each other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000 tubas were bent, and one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing.

    Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting retail discount outlets.

    October’s National Geographic will be the magazine’s first with a scent strip. It’s a scientific recreation of Cleopatra’s perfume.